Gabriel turns Two: Happy Birthday Sweet Boy

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

What am I (doing) here?

I am enrolled in seminary, but I'm not at all sure what I'm doing -- if I should even be there, if I'll finish my program, switch my program or drop out after a year of acquiring experience.

The natural thing seems to be to drop out after a year. But is it natural because it's right, or because it fits with my family's style of of flirting with success, yet avoiding it? What is the block of fear that I feel about going for an Mdiv, that I don't feel about spending a year in theological learning, followed by a time of letting go, just being in life and seeing about my next step? Is it an unwillingness to follow through? To be constrained by a process rich in bureaucracy, with abundant hoops through which I'd be expected to jump? The desire to not be like everyone else? Or is it a gentle reality that my way takes me on this road for a little while, leading me to another path? In this, where will I discover Christ's face? How can I listen to the Spirit when my own heart is so complex and my hearing muddled with many voices and feelings?

Can I balance education with family, when I am the primary parent while David is in med school? Can I live with letting my aspirations come second to my man's for a while? Can I let go for the proper reasons? Might my aspirations turn out not to conflict as much as I thought...perhaps I actually want to let go and be home with kids? Am I the only conflicted mother out there?

Can I write my life and live it? Can I create a life of celebration and learning?


Happy said...

Yes. :)

That's the short answer. :)

"What am I doing here?" is a question I've asked often about seminary. I'm in round three - hoping to actually finish something this time around; grateful for a school that's okay with my not knowing where I'm going. (John 3 - did Jesus say the Holy Spirit was like a wind, or did He say that about US?) :) no one knows where it comes from or where it's going... I certainly rarely know that about myself, and I'm sure other people wonder... :)

Enjoy the time you have - know that you are where you are, doing what you're doing, for a reason or reasons that will (maybe) become apparent at some point. It's only just now that things I did 10 years ago are starting to make sense - and I'm grateful for both the memories AND the perspective on them that I've been given now. Praying for you that you will find peace, and direction (as you need it) - and that you will learn a ton and grow closer to God daily through classes and marriage and mommyhood and everything else.

You are an incredible woman, Jemila. God bless you and keep you, may God's countenance shine upon you, and may God give you peace - now and always.


.... and no - you are not the only one who has ever asked any of these questions. :)

Jemila Monroe said...

Thank you for the encouragement happy!

I called the registrar and quit, then called back and came back on board. I think having tried to give up and seeing how that felt, I have a clearer sense of leading to be doing it and a lot more tranquility (for now.) Thank you for you prayers, I know they help!