On a walk today I noticed a Lady Slipper peeking out from the woods. "Those are rare," David observed. Yes they are, I thought, remembering treasure hunting for lady slippers as a kid with a childhood friend, and our strict instructions from my friends mother never to pick these rare gifts of nature.
Today I took it as a good sign. Like a sign from God and the universe that I'm finally discovering that rare beauty of my own childhood as I step out in risky faith to love my wild child from God, leaving the safe bounds of boring adult pleasures to meet myself and my daughter in new places.
And this afternoon, post-Lady Slipper, I took Nika (and Avriana tucked in her Bjorn) to Borders for a special outing. And for the first time in...well, a long time, being together was a delight. She was a delight. Maybe I was a delight to her. And I'm so thankful...
My mother said my voice sounded different on the phone today. "It sounds like you're coming into your 'Jemila power," she said. Which is totally a my mom thing to say. But maybe she's right. I've been focusing on devoting each act of my life as an act of love, and practicing "smiling in my liver," as Liz Gilbert's Balinese medicine man suggests in Eat Pray Love. I feel my veins changing, literally changing, from toxins and poisons to love with contentment and joy.
Maybe I'm growing up or something. And maybe it's God awake in me, smiling in my liver.
Emergence
Gabriel turns Two: Happy Birthday Sweet Boy
6 comments:
i love your thoughts on this. i've always felt that having kids was mostly about me growing up into the person I'm supposed to be. and so far, navigating the departure of the first-born for college took the most growing up of all. blessings as you grow. may we keep on doing so.
Wow -- one off to college! What lessons are you learning from this stage that the other stages prepared you for?
Hhhhhmmm, I think that maybe it has been all the little letting go and trusting challenges along the way. I had to let the boys climb far higher in the trees than I would have ever dared to go. I had to trust that they were in God's care up there too. I had to trust their father who eyed the tree and said it was ok. I've had to allow them to jump off cliffs into the ocean with all the same circumstances... their dad sizing it up and giving them the green light, them learning to size things up too, knowing that God cared. In high school in Europe I learned to let them navigate the culture, trusting their ability to make a good choice, trusting that their relationships with God were alive, trusting that sitting up late with friends who made different choices would not destroy them but build them. I think that I've had to learn to trust the hours of nurture I've poured in. You know, trust that those have made them strong. So sending Jesse off to college in 2005 was just a deeper extension of the same lessons. I trust that we've tried to be an open, safe home for communication. I trust that we have tried to live our faith, not talk it. I trust that the mistakes we've made are covered by grace and forgiveness. Now I trust that God is bigger than me and that he can lead them without my filtering the info for them. Yea, I hope we still have influence and that we are invited into the process and that our thoughts weigh meaninfully to them, but basically it's my same old lesson just bigger, broader and in living color. So I'm pushed to the edge to trust that God is good and that he's watching over them. Easier said than done :-)
I can hear your mom saying "coming into your 'Jemila power.'" That's great :)
I wish we lived closer to you guys. We're growing up on opposite ends of the country.
Lisa, your engaging trust -- that relationship between you, your children and God is an act of worship and I aspire to practice the same!
Pat, I know. I've been thinking of you guys alot lately and miss you.
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